finished!Left behind expectation, uncertainty and doubt.After the romantic "candy buketnogo" period came the turn of the noisy wedding fun - and then, finally, you're together forever (or at least, so would like to think at this point).Connect the heart and soul to go with your loved one for life nearby - what do you need for happiness?
In fact, the first life newlyweds beautiful and serene: breakfast in bed, walks together, touching surprises, understanding perfectly ... and it is unclear why some time later on the background of this idyll appear small (and sometimes large) Conflicts often arise for trivial reasons or even "out of the blue."
Moreover, the passage of time, these skirmishes seem so absurd that you wonder: how could such a thing happen to loving people?The saddest thing is that in such collisions may gradually dissolve understanding, reverent attitude to the spouse, the pleasure of its presence.
What is this phenomenon?
Where does it come from and how to deal with it?This happens in all families, or have associations that such troubles are not faced?
In people, this phenomenon is called "lapping", and psychologists - the struggle for leadership in the family.And it is as follows.At some point, the partners it is necessary to find out who is leading and who is the slave who - organized, and who - a performer who engage mainly strategy, and to whom - tactics.At the same time everyone wants to take a dominant position, while checking the other "strength" and correlating it with the resources available.That's why clashes of varying intensity on different occasions in almost all spheres of life together.
At first glance, it seems like it is paradoxical.But such a struggle for leadership in the family - not that other, as a form of studying each other, the next stage in the development of the family.
As he goes and what may end?
At the beginning of this period, relations between spouses are symmetric ("same").Both partners tend to occupy the upper hand, to insist on their (often not so much because the decision optimally, so much so that I want to be sure to "win").
If it so happened that a leader is defined and its primacy is not challenged, the relationship becomes complementary ("complementary").Married couple is not so, "storm", as previously.Formed a way of living together: shared responsibilities and rights are indicated for each family member, are general rules, there are traditions ... There is some rhythm, stability.At the same time reducing the amount of conflicts.This scenario - the most favorable.Families in which it happens, as a rule, happy and friendly.
Well, if no one wants to be flexible and to give?
If the fight for the leadership of the "end-edges are not seen"?In such cases, unfortunately, unions often disintegrate.The fact that the family is a system.And any system tends to stability.If not, it eventually collapses.Quite a large number of divorces in the first years of marriage is due in no small measure this factor.
And it also happens: the fight for the lead continues in the family for years, then died down for a while, then worsened.Typically, such alliances good relationship is difficult to call: argument (often over nothing) occur regularly.But despite this, the couple often continue to live together.On the one hand, competition between them is not so evident to destroy marriage, on the other hand - there are additional factors that hold the partners close (children, common property, fear of loneliness, unwillingness to change anything in your life, fear to be disappointed in the new partner andetc.).This forces the "belligerent" spouses from time to time "to reduce the degree of glow" in a relationship, go to a truce.
probably another hundred years ago, this problem does not exist.In the era of the rule of male patriarchy in the family was not disputed husband commanded his wife to obey.Now women are more independent, self-confident, self-sufficient.They already difficult to give in, to obey and recognize the leadership of men.But the stronger sex is not willing to give up their positions.
How can that be, if you want to, on the one hand, peace, mutual understanding and peace in the family, and on the other hand, the equality?
Best option - to divide the sphere, which will lead the spouses.For example, one - the main, when it is necessary to organize a holiday, the meeting guests on a vacation trip ... the other - in matters of repair, purchase of household appliances, furniture, etc. reshuffleAs a rule, the leader here - not just the person for whom the last word, as one who is most competent in this area, "leading expert".This separation allows both partners to feel important, to realize their potential, to assert themselves.At the same time also reduces the number of conflicts since the reasons for the collisions becomes smaller.By the way, it can be heard from the couple themselves, when in a relaxed conversation slip the phrase, "Oh, with such issues is better to turn to my husband, we have them, he is engaged in," "Ask my wife - I do not interfere with these things."
Period "lapping" is perhaps the first serious test for the young couple.Will it occur for a long time or will end fairly quickly lead to the disintegration of the family or the relationship will benefit - depends largely on the individual personality characteristics of partners, their communication skills, the level of culture, education conditions, of attitudes, moral principles ... But the main determinantfactor is still a desire to preserve and strengthen the alliance, to reach an understanding with the "second half".
There is a saying: "Desire - a thousand opportunities. Reluctance - a thousand reasons."It is because of the desire to be with people ready to change, to yield, to compromise, to seek the best ways of solving problems.
Articles Source: resnichka.ru
