Growing up, the child acquires a number of traits that define his future career, even if he does not drink, however, children's experience lays a foundation.
As aptly put Janet Voytits, author of the book, devoted to children dependent on alcohol, an alcoholic in the family as "a dinosaur in the living room."The animal moves and shakes the whole house, as the residents are buried cracks and prop up the wall.Can not live inside, but no special exit.We have to be alert not to get zashiblo tail or paw came.
often alcoholic in the family - it's a big, big secret.And not so much for others, because they know about the dinosaur in your home, but for the family itself.This is for three reasons:
- the alcoholic denies alcohol dependence.He can always quit on their own opinion.
- Partner alcoholic dependence also denies or "cures" dependent and saves him (actually a co-dependent), effectively creates a "facade of a normal family."
- The child is forced not to express their feelings about what is happening and not tell anyone the things that frighten his family.If he is talking about it, it will be perceived as a traitor, a man who does not like my mom and dad, and then he left without parental love.
child of an alcoholic is often a very early parent himself, and begins to take care of himself from an early age.Parents it is not enough time.If both parents are drinking, they are engaged in alcohol, if a dependent and co-dependent, they also own a game in which a child can be a tool and a tool for manipulation.As the identity of the child for the parents may not be visible.
Often children in a family of alcoholics begin drinking early.And then it's not just genetics.Alcohol can be a tool that helps to become visible in the world of their parents.He can sit with them at the table, to experience the same feelings, and that they be reunited with them.It can also be another dependent and his mood and behavior will be important for the co-dependent mother or father.
Growing up, the child acquires a number of traits that define his future career.
Even if he does not drink, however their children's experience lays the foundation:
- Adult children of alcoholics do not know what a "normal family."For them, a normal family is the parent sample.Even if they do not drink and generally lead a sober lifestyle, they are often very peculiar notion.For example, many believe that violence and physical and emotional family - the norm and that different children do not bring up.They do not know what to do with his family in his spare time, how to show feelings and empathy.
- they hardly follow the rules and action plans.In their family plans it was not, and everything depended on the whims of an alcoholic, and his condition.Further plans and then watch as everything falls apart pretty badly, so sometimes it's better not to start it at all.
- They often lie when saying the truth can someone upset or cause negative feelings.
- judged themselves without mercy.Since they are often subjected to constant criticism from parents and all of their existence has been permeated with the realization of its uselessness and inadequacy.Whatever you did, everything is bad and stupid.
- They can not relax and enjoy life.In their childhood, this part has been minimized and are usually punished.
- have difficulty in building a manifestation of intimacy and sexual relations.Being too close to the danger man.Today you have confidence in him, and tomorrow you can fight for it.Emotion be dangerous and nobody wants to see them.These are the "snot, tears and shu-shu," for that could hollow disgruntled parents.
- Give overreaction to a situation where they lose control.For a child it was dangerous to lose control, not able to dodge in time, do not fall under the hot hand.Relax, do not control the environment - Now you get it.
- They need constant confirmation that they are doing right and in this it is necessary to convince.Since the child is in an environment where for the same can and praise, and beat, then he needs an external approval, sometimes repeatedly, that he is doing well, and he does everything right.
- They feel different, are not accepted in the society of people.First, the child was always strange and useless in the family against the backdrop of various family problems.Secondly, it is difficult to live among their peers.Always have happened, something shameful and not the fault of the child.He could not do your homework, because his father read him notation until 12 o'clock at night, or threw his notebook.He can not invite the children to her house, because then they can find the "secret" and see a drunken father.And much more.
- He feels responsible for the fate of others, it seems that everything will fall apart without him.Just one wrong move and dad / mom got angry and then ... disaster.Maybe on the contrary, it is completely irresponsible and not the interests of the environment.Too much emotional load displaces the general desire to somehow participate in the lives of others.
- They usually true partner, even when there is no reason to be faithful, ielike basically contrary.Even illogically.
- They are impulsive.Every action causes a fear that it would be wrong and therefore a person can do at random, "sink or swim."If you roll a "disappeared" person immediately embarrassed launches self-abasement, and feels that he has lost control of the situation, and life itself.
general, with this set of characteristics, it is difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.Most often, having got the dating or romance with men do not have such baggage from childhood, adult children of alcoholics do not find a common language with them.And the children of alcoholics have an affair is difficult.They need to do quite a lot of protective action and is difficult to build a good emotional connection.To fix, to be different, you need to understand what the problem with them.But as for the children of alcoholics are often the topic of alcohol abuse is a taboo for them normally happens in the family, take a step to the realization is difficult.
Moreover, since they are always trying to do the right thing and fix the past, they choose a partner with the alcoholic.It is understandable simple environment in which they grew up, and they know the rules of the game.
Articles Source: vospitaj.com
