«good and bad equally bad mother.It needs a good enough ».
Donald Woods Winnicott, the English psychoanalyst, a pediatrician and child psychiatrist.
It is believed that this problem can not simply be, however, the matter is there is a lot of controversy.Sometimes you meet a woman who just says he does not love her child.And it is not "fallen man", and the woman who has everything - home, family, work.The reaction of others to such a declaration is absolutely ambiguous.Someone thinks that it is worthy of censure, someone believes that this is appropriate.But there is always the question remains: "Is this normal?How then to be?But what about the maternal instinct? »
In such a situation we can not say that a child is suffering only because his mother, recognizing the problem, thus showing that it was not satisfied with this situation.Of course, it becomes something that affects the relationship between the mother and her child, and the entire family, and that, of course, has its consequences.
Mom, who is she?
If you ask the question: "Who is the mother?", We found out that this concept is no universal definition.All mothers know that first of all need to care for the child.However, each, consciously or not, but always asks the question: what is "really" be a mother?After all, you can just take care of the baby and be a mother.In this case, the concept of "mother" can not be reduced to the biological fact of the birth of female children.There are many examples when the baby becomes his adoptive mother for a woman, and there are those whose own child - a stranger.Also, in the life of every woman there is always someone else other than the child - the husband, family, friends.And that respect someone the third woman asks: "What am I, as a mother?".We can say that a woman does her mother: First, her own child;and secondly, someone else in whose eyes she becomes a mother.That is why the question itself is a negative attitude towards the child sends it to what it means to be a mother.That is why the easiest excuse of love and hate becomes the myth of the "maternal instinct."
Two identical mothers are no
man always seeks to simplify everything and define all aspects of life.That is why such a concept was born as a "maternal instinct."However, it should be understood that the word "instinct" does not apply to a person by definition.What is instinct?This innate ability, the ability to do anything.In nature, everything is very simple.The female of any animal instinctively knows how to make, give birth and raise their young - in animals is an innate quality.The man is a very relative concept, because absolutely all people have to learn.Any woman (even with several children) learns to be a mother, because no one knows exactly what to do and how, which is why so much controversy even about the care and education that we talk about love.None in the world of two absolutely identical mothers who are equally concerned about the baby, bring it and love it.
Norma somewhere
Many are in complete agreement that we are all different, but argued that a situation where the mother has a negative attitude to her child - is not normal.But how to determine the rate and who she is "normal mother"?At the time, psychoanalysis has made a discovery: bad when the child is not love, that is next to him there is no one who would listen to him, to answer his questions, pay attention to it and so on.But!No less dramatic, and sometimes even more dangerous when the child's love and watch over too much.Therefore, the "normal mother" is on the collision of these two extremes.English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who dedicated one of his works, the definition of a "good" mother, revealed such a thing as "good enough mother» (good enough mother).Thanks to him, it became clear that the equally bad if the mother and the "bad" and "good."
Below the
Perception rules at everyone, which is why this issue is such a resonance.Of course those who offer a lynching "of" Mothers are very few, but the majority still believes the negative attitude of the mother to her child pathology.However, to identify a lower threshold standards is very difficult, everyone has his own.There are cases that demonstrate an abnormal reaction, but mostly the mother is trying to cope with the growing negative and does not abandon his child.
Why does this happen?
Negative emotions often produces depression, and in this case, not only the so-called "postpartum depression."In the absence of psychological diseases in human depression generated by the sense of loss of anything in the physical as well as psychologically.After giving birth to a child, a woman is faced with three major loss.First, it loses unity with the child.During pregnancy, a woman takes the fruit within itself as its object, a part of yourself and the baby during childbirth "separated" from the mother.Secondly, the woman loses "imaginary child."Nurturing a child, the mother is not able to see and hear your baby, so he invents himself, the nature of the voice.However, the child is not always so, how the woman he imagines.Third, she loses herself.After giving birth to a child, a woman becomes another.She can no longer devote all his time to yourself, husband, work, her world is closed around the baby.It loses its former body, such as it was before the birth.The cause of its losses a woman sees the child, so the negative perceptions sends him.
What to do?
first step makes a woman, aware of the problem.She realizes that something is not right, these emotions interfere with her to communicate with the child or because of this situation, it feels like a bad mother in the eyes of others.In this case, the woman should seek help from a specialist.Independently, she is not always able to find the causes of negative emotions towards the child, and, accordingly, without professional help can not cope with the problem.The main thing is not to force, and not try to forcibly bring a woman to the doctor, this method can further harm her.The decision to seek help, it must take itself.
In life there are different forms of dislike.For one - it's boring, for another - it is physical violence.Therefore, it is important that a woman she knew there was a problem.You should not strive to be "perfect" mother, because sometimes for refined attitude lies deeply hidden negative that people do not want to recognize."Normal" mother always ambivalent, it is an ordinary person, and which is characterized by anger, fear, and other emotions.Do not be afraid of their negative emotions.If the mother is angry with respect to the child, then she wants something other than your child, then the child is not there for her absolute, and it is of a kind even protects the baby from turning into an "object" of the mother.The problem is always hidden in the unconscious.When a person talks about his complicated feelings - it is always better than when feelings hidden deep inside.
Mikhail Strakhov, psychologist-psychoanalyst European Medical Center
