This renowned psychiatrist and business consultant Mark Goulston writes in his book "The mental trap at work", published by "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber."
Raymond worked for the Los Angeles-based company selling electrical equipment in bulk, when the sales manager had to leave the city for family reasons.Being popular among clients and among colleagues, Raymond was the most suitable candidate for the vacant post.
However, the experience of management he was not, and he did not know which end to approach his new duties."It was just awful - recalled Raymond.- I did not want to upset his subordinates and therefore forgave him many mistakes, correcting them myself then.I have no one wanted to go to the conflict, and as a result I was just about to wipe his feet. "Raymond did not know how to win the respect of subordinates, it is necessary that they understand that they bear responsibility for their actions.The result was disappointing: although technically he was the boss, no one are not considered, and he himself did not feel it.
«Koli you want to be respected, first and most importantly - respect himself;Only self-esteem and you will make others respect themselves. "
Dostoevsky
A few months later, tired of the conflict, Raymond began to withdraw into themselves, spend more time in the office.Meanwhile, some of his subordinates began to openly rude to clients complaints, from which flew to the owner of the company.Just received a severe reprimand from his superiors, Raymond decided he'd had enough.
Such catastrophic debut - is not uncommon.Members managers rush to one of the extremes, or lose control of the situation, as trying to please everyone, or, conversely, pushed his subordinates to rebel despotism.The period of the first management experience can be a difficult and strange.However, trying to please everyone wipe their feet subordinate leaders regardless of their experience.
Trying to please people - like a boomerang: the more you try to please, the less people you respected.Such managers - puppies needing attention.At first their attempts look like touching, but more and more they start to annoy you.I knew one woman, which is applied so hard to please everyone, that others are actively trying to knock her off balance and angry.When colleagues brought her to tears, she asked me: "What have I done to deserve such treatment?" - "You asked for it myself" - I replied.
«Never regards as useful to you something like that, that would force you ever break the loyalty, forget the shame, hate the other."
Marcus Aurelius
Why do we climb out of their way to please others?From the point of view of psychology is a fairly simple problem whose roots are from my childhood.(Children of alcoholics often grow up in wanting to please people, because they are at an early age are ready for any sacrifice, just to keep peace in the family.) If you try to please everyone, it is trying to get positive attention, lost in childhood.It is possible that you will also find that they are able to manipulate the teachers and other adults their "good behavior", "kindness", "politeness", "diligence" or some else way.Catering to everyone, you get a much-needed attention to you.For you, it was always a way to monitor the situation and deal with negative - at least for a while.However long these methods can not work, in fact, they lead to failure.
Women are particularly prone to such behavior because their self-esteem is directly related to the relationship with others ("If people like me, then I have something is; if nobody loves me, so I jerk").Men self-esteem is associated with competence ("If I am competent, I appreciate, if not, the price of a penny to me").
generally try to please all people are prone to the following forms of behavior.
Firstly, they starved themselves with work, grinding away from dawn to dusk to earn praise.
Secondly, they are pathologically organized - just with a view to minimize the chances of something being wrong.
Third, they try never to go to the conflict, so as not to upset the other.
Fourth, they are outgoing, friendly, cheerful, always ready to help in word and deed, optimistic and resourceful because they think that all of these features will help them to earn the trust and respect of others.
Fifth, they are always ready to take on a new project, humbly accept the new job and are always ready to respond to the request.
«No», said with deep conviction, is better than "yes" to the referendum only to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. "
Mahatma Gandhi
It would seem - excellent quality.In fact, things are not so simple.
If the child attempts to please everyone can lead to success in adulthood they are able to generate a whole bunch of different issues.Instead of listening to yourself, you are trained to yourself to listen to others.It is difficult to clearly delineate the boundaries in relationships with people.You so want to hear the answer is "yes", it is very difficult to say "no."You assume too much.You crave love.Perhaps even this behavior puts you in a dangerous situation frankly.And, worst of all, you lose the respect of people whose opinion is especially important for you and whose approval do you persevere.It's time to stop.
Does this mean that we should stop being polite and friendly?No of course.This means that it is time to finally hang in front of the semaphore: red - it means "stop", yellow - "wait", green - "free road" - and begin to filter people through these colored lenses.This means that you need to rebuild the entire system of views.Instead of thinking of yourself as a puppy that needs to be stroked, start thinking of yourself as a host of the puppies - as a person, respect for which you would like to achieve.
Do the owners have a border through which can not be crossed.To become a master, you should outline them at the same time solving the problem of self-protection and preservation of self-esteem.Think about it: the puppy must not only cursory attention.He wants more - a good host that will be kind to him, is to love and teach him, but he will train and clearly show what you can do, and what not.
good host will not allow your puppy to run out in the middle of the highway.Instead, he will teach him to be careful.A good host will teach him to distinguish good people from bad, it will show when to run and when - to fight.Until now you have a puppy that needed a good but demanding boss.Now came the turn to become a master.Draw their borders.Set rules for yourself.
«inner strength - the ability to respect other people's music, but dance to his own tune and listen to the harmony."
Doc Childre
Besides all this, you also need to teach your "inner puppy" to say "no."If you occupy a leading position, try to delegate some of the cases (more - in the chapter "Do not share power").If you no one to lead, but people keep asking you for help, leaving you spend the time, so plainly, and not advancing in his own work, just tell them "no."Do not be afraid, it will not cause the apocalypse.
Stop trying to make friends with all.Of course, to be friendly - it is normal, but do not forget to keep your distance.This does not mean that you can not improve after dinner with friends - it means that they do not have to be your friends just because you work together.When people act unwisely, refuse to indulge them, and you will be respected.Necessary steps
* 1. Make a list of people, respect for which will help you become more successful.
* 2. Ask yourself, they respect you or you just like them?If you want them to respect you, you go to the following steps.
* 3. Determine how you should deal with these people, so they started to respect you more.Remember that behavior should be specific, unambiguous and permanent.
* 4. Now ask each of them, will improve if your chosen form of behavior of the working relationship between you.If not, ask them to propose an alternative.
* 5. If they offer something that you can do agree to it.(If they are uncomfortable in this situation, leave their right to just accept your offer.) Tell them that you'll occasionally have to deal about the productivity of your teamwork - to determine, does the new form of behavior or not.
* 6. Be sure to thank them for the completion of the call, and again - the next day.
* 7. Do not even think to take up this matter, if you do not plan to see it through.
Elena Fedotova
Articles Source: trud.ru
