«I just wanted a normal family!" - Exclaims the wife at a reception at the psychologist, explaining the fatal quarrel, after which her husband left.She wanted to change but could not stop the enumeration of the list of claims."She sat down on my head.I'll make her respect me! "- Explains his withdrawal husband.He no longer is in the clouds, too, want a normal family.What is a "normal family" in terms of the distribution of power?What are the norm in other countries than we are different from the Americans or the French?
family hierarchy: The distribution of power and responsibility
opposition power - subjection.But not in the family.In psychology, the antonym of "power" is the concept of "responsibility".OK - they are balanced: the order is justified and consider the interests and power of performers.But in families all over the world their own traditions and rules.Consider the Russian Orthodox, Protestant and Catholic France, the United States.
Psychologists have long agreed that includes the concept of "normal family."It is a complete family, in which the main burden of responsibility and initiative belongs to the fathers.Theoretically, the father - physically stronger and more socially acceptable member of the family life.He - a leader, with his demand.
Mom is not relieved of the responsibility, but the degree of congestion should be different.Just say: such a family we have never been.Russia too often and long at war.The men and women just were not able to agree.In the war to rely on a man to be ineffective and even inadequate ...
Model №1.Dad - a despot
Our family is, by definition, a psychologist Vladimir Druzhinin, is a crazy mixture of Christianity and paganism.The man has incredible power and authority, but all the responsibility delegated to his wife, mother.Often, its main role - to initiate a family, and a family day labor does not interest him.The relationship may resemble a fight, everything will be resolved by smashing pots.The behavior of not only women but also men unpredictable.The habit to hush up the problem affects the nature of the relationship.Weak people behave so because of self-doubt that they are right and will be able to defend their point of view.Strong - for tactical reasons, if necessary, to make a sudden maneuver when the "enemy" (and family members are often perceived as hidden enemies) does not wait for an attack.
Model №2.Dad - baby
model with a dominant father deformed as a result of wars and military conflicts.He lost father figure.No wonder they say about our infantilism men.Children in both models emotionally closer to her mother.In the first model between the children and the father is no emotional attachment.Sometimes it is not with the mother.
deficit of warmth and tenderness filled by grandparents, aunts, brothers, sisters.With that there were no problems in the collectivist era, when the borders were permeable and family anyone could intervene, participate in the education of children.It was believed that children grow up in the street.But they were not homeless.Homelessness is often left the child alone at home, if there is no sympathetic adult.Another factor cementing our family was a public morality that condemn divorce and reduced the status of single women.
Both models were abnormal, because his father was excluded from the processes of education and was considered as the best provider.Disharmonious national model family was found in the period of perestroika, when the "external backup" and flew the couple were left alone with the children and impending poverty.
Burden of responsibility became too much for our women, and this has provoked, on the one hand, the massive emigration of women and divorce, the other - the growing army of orphans.According to the US Department of Justice, only the first ten years of post-Soviet visas brides from Russia to the United States entered 150 thousand women.Russians went to look for a foreign prince.The irony is that with a woman and taken the family setting, is radically different from setting foreign husbands.
Chief Pope, but takes care of the whole family.Normal family model, as pointed out by the famous anthropologist Margaret Mead childhood, suggests that the main responsibility for the family lies with the father physically stronger and socially accepted.This does not mean that a woman is removed every responsibility, but it is proportionately less.The child - the epicenter of the interests of the parents.
This family model is dominant in the countries with the Catholic religion - France and Italy.The woman is responsible for the atmosphere in the family, guarded and revered.Contrary to popular belief that the French men "go to the side," they are very cherished by the family.Men Catholics long mastered the kitchen and tend to go to meetings to school children.Divorce in France is so expensive that many people prefer to live in a civil marriage.
Model №4.Dad - a mom.My mother - a father
American Protestant or model.For Americans, the principles of freedom and equality, parity and work are important so far.For their family characteristic balancing power and responsibility in favor of the father, in favor of the mother.The child grows as potentially equal adult, he formed the installation on the interaction.This model we have promoted together with other Protestant values - success, career, competition.
modern Russian family mutates toward American
This family structure, by definition, is unstable: the partners are competing in the family and at work, never claim absolute intimacy and dependency, and more concerned with equality of deposits - psychological, sexual, economic,.However, in these families fathers are involved in the education of children on equal terms with their mothers.It is striking how there grew the number of single fathers who are trying to keep up at home and at work, having for three - five children.A wife can go to another, or to do business.American mothers are not like the tortured Russian women, they are similar to American men, who heard about the problem, immediately seek a solution, and finding immediately begin to implement it.
modern American family is getting older, marriages more often after 40, and the average life of a family - 15-16 years.Children grow up, parents are scattered in different "airfields".The main motive of divorce: we have nothing to build together."American" model seems to take into account the interests of both parents, but it leaves the child alone.On the history of child stars of the national show business, the busiest and most sought-after, we know how there can be a sad fate of their children, which they somehow imperceptibly lost in the fight for success.
who's in the family?
French answer: "The main thing - the one who is weaker."
weakest in the family - the child.If several children in the family, the weakest will be the youngest.Child-centered culture puts the epicenter of parental concerns and aspirations of the children.Sometimes it can be the weakest and the father - for example, when he returned from work, or mother if she had a headache.Light - is that who care or who help.The French tend to redefine priorities.Being poor - is not a privilege, and status, sometimes situational.Discuss and question the correctness of the decision may even kids.Anyway, they have a right to vote.
terms of Russian parents, French children too much talk, clever, instead of following the instructions of the parent.From the point of view of French parents, Russian children are anemic, trapped, afraid to express their opinions.
Russian response: "The main thing - the one who is stronger."
considered the most powerful father.In the case of disobedience households it may use physical force or other sanctions.The mother has the authority and the absence of a father takes his place and takes over his duties.We have the psychological strength is attributed to the person who may insist on its decision - roughly, directly or using tricks and intrigues.The right to make decisions belongs to the older family members - parents.The rest are endowed with only duties, chief among them - to obey older at all times.Retreat from the initial decision is to show weakness of character, rather than the flexibility and diplomacy.
We get angry when the kids do not listen to us.If disobedience have witnesses, we feel a sense of shame for the weakness.This is the domestic rate.
Due to the fact that Russia is a strong tradition of male authority, the ratio of boys ambivalent.Mothers and grandmothers indulge them.And fathers are particularly rigor.From girls waiting angelic patience, humility and obedience.
Since Russia is going through the transformation of the family, the role of the family are mixed and formed under the laws of the additionality.So, if the family is not complete, the boy can grow giperopekaemym women and the girl psychologically strong position to take a strong father.
American reply: "The main thing - the one who is the greater need."
family tradition for the American value of equality is important.Therefore, each member of the family will, in principle, the same proportionate abilities responsibility.Americans command methods in relationships and at work and at home.If you need something for someone in the family, the entire family will fight and root for him.The approach of the Americans are not repressive (through criticism and punishment), and promote, develop (through compliments and awards).The child knows that attention and support need not only children but also adults.From social skills ability to praise and congratulate the winner of the first one is formed.He is, in my opinion, based on the famous American friendliness.
Fortunately, the family rate is not inherited genetically.It is possible in Russia to start a family in the French style, or American type.This article provides guidance for those who want to test their family life on the solidity and balance of power and responsibility.It can also be a good opportunity to discuss your family experience with their spouse.
Articles Source: psyh.ru