We all have such friends or girlfriends.It seems a nice man, without any bad habits, sociable and very interesting.But somehow he could not manage to establish a stable relationship and starting a family.
Let's look at the causes of what is happening through the eyes of a family therapist and find out what can be done to improve the situation.
reason №1.Devotion parent
A 32-year-old Alena there are many reasons to be proud of their mother.Starting with the fact that she could herself without a husband, two children to bring up, and ending with the fact that she can easy and fun to chat with my mom.But while family life she did not catch: Allen turned to a psychologist once broke up with Aleksei, which met prior to this for six months.
«I can not even explain why broke up with him!" - She wondered.What was the reason?During the consultation it became clear that the girl's father left the family soon after the birth of her brother Alena.The girl has always tried to help my mother, and still live together.
«Tell me, what would change if you were married to Alexei?" - "Oh, nothing special, - said Alain.- We have lived with Lesha and her mother ... alone. "Then Alain began to understand - throughout her life, she was not just a daughter and mother hope and support.When Alain met with Alexei, the stability of the relationship of mother and daughter was threatened.Hence, this incomprehensible anxiety that haunted the girl and helped parting.
How does it work?
Sometimes family relationships are formed so that the children play the role of assistant to the parent who performs a "reference" function.Especially often it happens in cases where a parent raising children alone, or between spouses is no emotional contact support.The children are arranged so that they are always ready, without even realizing it, even to the detriment of themselves, help their parents.Therefore, they may be included in the role of "support for the mother" (or father).All is good, but being in this position, to create their own family rather problematic.
How to handle it?
realization mechanism of relations in the family - the first and necessary step for the "parent helper."After all, as long as we do not see and do not recognize the problem, it is impossible to solve.When a person is aware of the role played by parents in the family and in which "stuck", he can learn to master new roles.Moreover, not only "daughter-assistant" or son - "support mother ', but as adults who are learning a new way to build relationships with their parents.
reason №2.No decent
Victor belonged to the same group of people who catch the eye: stylish, flashy clothes, hairstyle if just from the hairdresser and full of self-esteem look.The young man reluctantly admitted that he had come for consultation at the insistence of his mother, as he himself problem of loneliness is not considered.
Victor grew up in an intact family, but it was brought up mainly mother.He had the makings of a good music, so he soon began studying at the music school, and his mother spoke proudly about the success of his son all the relatives and acquaintances.The school he was the best, the work - also, but the girls ... When the story about them, Victor smiled wryly.He always had the feeling that the girl with whom he had an affair, not good enough for him.Kind and beautiful, and smart, and the sex is great, but ... He felt a void: something is still missing.
How does it work?
understand what is wrong in the relationship Victor, help us information about how he was raised.It turned out that the boy's mother instilling him that he is the best, but at the same time "gave" the idea that if he - goodness, that his wife is, of course, must also be perfect.
But such people, as you know, does not happen, so the task before Victor got the impossible: whatever girl he may have met, he never had that magical feeling that happens to other people in relationships: "Here it is - the same! "It is not surprising that the young man was so hard to create satisfied with his attitude.
How to handle it?
To begin with - to realize that the idea of his own perfection and an ideal woman - not his own, and my mother.It is important to remember that this perfectionism in a relationship can be a spoiler.Such a person, it is important to find your own, not imposed on the mother idea that for him personally it is important in relationships with women, and start looking for a girl who will fully correspond to them, but did not reject it simply because it was "not quite so".
Reason № 3. As a mother and grandmother
Oksana named the problem of "the crown of celibacy": three generations of her family, women were deprived of what is called a woman's happiness.Woman's great-grandfather died in the war, and a great-grandmother with two children do not find a replacement."Guys all young and childless married, who wants to raise other people's children", - she said.Santa Oksana marrying her grandmother Mary, just five years after the mysterious death.And Grandma Mary, like her mother, also married again, men and avoided her attention.Oksana's mother was very afraid that her future husband may die, as her ancestors in the male line, and it also does not find anyone.However, this is not exactly what happened: ... Oksana's father left the family for another woman after six years of marriage.
How does it work?
family heredity - powerful stuff.At the same genes and a tendency to certain diseases we receive from our parents and certain behaviors, including models of communication with the opposite sex.Sometimes they are useful, and sometimes - as in the case of Oksana - only harm, making it impossible to create a strong, stable relationships.
How to handle it?
In situations where the problem manifests itself intergenerational character, awareness alone is not enough.Therefore, many women with "the crown of celibacy" for the years go sorcerers and grandmother.However, in such cases it is more effective to work with a family therapist.
reason №4.On the men should not be relied
If a family man Oksana way or another left the family, then they Olga remained, but the joy of this was a little bit.24-year-old Olga grew up in an alcoholic family.When her parents met, Anatoly - the girl's father - was a cheerful, good-natured man.But after a while he began to drink.All the care of the family and two children had to take on the mother, which gradually from a calm, quiet, diffident woman began to turn into a strong and domineering.The reason for the arrival of women to the family psychologist was evident: all men with whom Olga tried to meet, were alcoholics or walked briskly to it.And she wanted to meet a healthy satellite, next to which she does not need to be like her mother, constantly conquer all the circumstances and make the most of life.
How does it work?
course, seeing drunken and father no longer works (it anywhere fired), a girl and then a woman, it was hard to create a positive image of a strong man who can not only take care of themselves, but of others.Looking at his two jobs screamed the mother, the girl learned a simple rule: "Men - weak, helpless creature, which can not be trusted."It is not surprising that the first man, with whom she began dating, easy to fit into such a rule - he was a struggling alcoholic, who on the basis of alcohol abuse has been a problem with the work.Olga, met a partner, as usual, like her mother, "harnessed to strap" and began to struggle with life's difficulties.All the problems in their relationship, she decided, and her partner did nothing and continued to drink.
How to handle it?
When Olga was able to get to the installation, which it took over from his mother ("man - weak creatures"), it became clear where to go: to create a new model of relations in which men will be given a place to exhibit their natural activity.When she was able to learn to stop yourself and give the man the opportunity to take care of her, her life began to appear strong and caring partners.
How to identify installations parents
Take a pen and paper, pick a time when you will not be distracted, and ask yourself the question: what about the opposite sex messages broadcast to me by my mother?My father?Grandmother?Granddad?
Ask yourself this question several times to the result you get at least 5-10 such messages.Then look at them with a critical eye and ask yourself:
- Which of these messages you have taken in their arms?- What are you now bring benefit and what harm?- From some of them you are willing to give up?- What new plants can replace harmful to your beliefs?
summarize
often cause difficulties in contacts with the opposite sex does not become appearance and inability to communicate, as many think, and the ideas and scripts are copied in the parental home.It is clear that blame parents for such a legacy does not make sense - it's your life.And to make it more conscious and free scripts to each of us can do.
Articles Source: psyh.ru
