The brutal charm: Why choose the aggressors?

What are the secrets attractiveness aggressors, and why we ignore the quieter candidates in our hearts and hands?The image of "macho" men are strong, dominant male, crowded to the brim with energy, as well as the image of bitches, a femme fatale, even a bit arrogant and rude, but a mysterious and elusive, exciting and intriguing.Activity, persistence, impulsiveness taken us for confirmation of love, and we can not jump from the emotional swings.

do not develop as we would like.Expecting that all the "calm down," We are disappointed we find that a year later, and after the wedding, the desire to completely control, cruelty and irritability partner not only not disappear, but the bloom up to physical violence.Attempts to talk heart to heart does not lead to change, and causes a charge and new conflicts.Sometimes, fairly flexing bar, they tearfully ask forgiveness, but soon everything is back to "their place."

People who tend to mostly aggressive behavior rarely changed for the better and are in no hurry to seek professional help, because they consider themselves absolutely normal.They often refer to a difficult childhood, parents monsters, but it does not remove the responsibility for their actions.

«You Throw it!It is you and not hold a candle!Why tolerate bullying is ?! "- repeat around.And you tell them, like in the song: "And I like it, like it, like ..." Everything has its explanation.

genetic component selection

Animals dominant male - the guarantee of a healthy and secure offspring.For our ancestors factor of physical force and the willingness to stand up for themselves and their territory were also crucial in the fight for survival.Times have changed, and our genetic memory continues to subtly influence us.Taking aggression and persistence of the confidence and strength of character, a woman mistakenly hoped that such a man would give her a sense of security and bright future.Sexual arousal

Both sexes are "bitches" and "bad guys" are more attractive than their calmer rivals.Experiments American psychologists Andrew Barclay and Ralph Norman Haber confirmed the hypothesis that sexual receptivity increases during strong emotional outbursts, particularly during episodes of aggression.Teacher deliberately angered a group of students will report them for alleged heinous exam results.Thematic Apperception Test (TAT), conducted after a "reprimand", showed a significant increase in aggression and sexual arousal, which was not observed in the control group.

role of victim

In my childhood, when we were crying, we were spared.Not even the most careful and attentive parents take a crying baby in his arms, hug, pat on the head, trying to divert something pleasant and tasty.And when we grow up, if you get the desired attention and "stroking" in other ways does not work, the victim is taking root in our minds and behavior.We ourselves are a "anti-heroes" and so we climb into trouble, after which friends and relatives will feel sorry for us.

role of rescuer

Remember the fairy tale "Beauty and the Beast"?She loved it so as it is, and it turned into a man.Saving lost souls and the belief in the healing power of love - another motive for painful relationships.In this situation, the victim of aggression explains his forgiveness saying: "Who is it for?If I leave, it will disappear altogether. "A partner often alcoholic or a drug addict, it is not committed to change, it and so happy with everything.In this alliance, we justify our existence, we find special meaning of life and affirm themselves and to others their importance and indispensability, because in our society and compassion to their neighbors is a virtue.

search of adrenalin and unforgettable impressions

What we do not face in this pair, so it's a bore.Today, scandal, cries, threats, many tears ... But the next day we are waiting for flowers and gifts, the assurances of love and devotion.Even if the color is not in contrast with yesterday's storm, you feel happy.On the emotional attraction often hooked people prone to depression.What kind of soul-searching and apathy?This was no time to even think about.

Family example

often in such a trap we fall, guided by their own parents, whose life was like a battlefield.Girls is a "help" the lack of unconditional parental love, conflict or cold relationship with his father, and the future "henpecked" mature family domineering and aggressive mother.

passivity and lack of confidence

confident person will not tolerate humiliation and insults in his address.The victims of aggression and violence are often people with low self-esteem, which tend to predominantly passive behavior.If you do not express your feelings and desires, you can not say "no", silent, just to avoid conflict - you dream for any tormentor.Indecision, attempts to evade responsibility, fear of life often drives us into the arms of the aggressor.

Who is the "henpecked"?It's a nice, quiet, but passive man who from the very beginning relations meekly accepts all offer him beloved.First of all are satisfied.My husband like that do not need to make decisions, to worry about any "little things" - take care of everything "second mother."But when a woman is tired "to drag all by yourself," she begins to blame all their misfortunes man, and here there are conflicts.

imposed stereotypes

eternal theme of novels and dramas - a beautiful love story, followed by a family idyll.After years spent in front of the TV, we can not imagine life without such a "cine" family.And kinogeroi recently very inappeasable.What are Dr. House or Andrew E. Bykov of "interns" with their scathing remarks.

How it all begins and Bollywood Hollywood fairy tale?He met her gaze, defeated all rivals, flunked its flowers, declarations of love, and in no time she proudly took his name.And then what?This film was shot much less.And watch them not very desirable.

The fact that such a Don Juan behavior plus insistence to solve everything at once characteristic of aggressive people who do not like to put off the decision indefinitely.What if he goes wrong, and his fiancee finds unrestrained character?What if his charm, she will have time to see the cruel tyrant?He is, what's the hurry, and we have to think about.

Parting - is not a panacea

If you understand that much of the writing is very similar to your situation in life, and want to get rid of the brutal oppression of the partner, you need the help of a psychologist or therapist.Parting itself will not solve your problem.The most important thing - to understand why you have long been in a relationship than they liked you, what advantages do you personally have found in them.

Work on your self-esteem.Sometimes we need to forgive yourself, get rid of inappropriate guilt, sometimes self-confidence is not enough due to real flaws that can be corrected.Try to find and accept their weaknesses, understand their desires and values, to develop useful qualities, to take responsibility for their actions, aiming for emotional and financial independence.

If you feel that recently became bored with life, find something to do that will bring the missing emotions.It can be an interesting hobby in which you can display their talents and ambitions.As you begin to respect themselves and to give strong confidence rebuff to those who are trying to use you, they will wash its hands out of your life.

But if the home is in no hurry to give up the dictator and to recognize the loss of control over you, be prepared to blackmail, threats, tears and promises that everything will change.At this point you will need firmness, as is quite difficult not to succumb to feelings of guilt that so long cultivated in you, your abuser.

look ahead

understand themselves and their needs, you will be able to reflect on the creation of new full-fledged relations and the search for a life partner.Before you make an important choice, you need to understand what you want to see your pair of five - ten years, and seriously ask the question: "What future for me with this man?»

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